Hi all. It has been awhile since I've blogged and I miss it. I have had some financial troubles and this month, which is usually all about good will and all, is now about simple survival. I've had to let things go (i.e. Cable/Phone) and have been lucky enough to exist on free wi-fi internet.
Though my boys will not have a "Christmas" this year, there is one thing keeping me going, even when I feel it is my darkest time. It is my middle son Darius DeVante Chaney.
I was 21 years of age when I had him. He was born in 1992, and was born with a heart condition that later turned fatal. As I write this I am choked up again at the little amount of time I had with him. I only have about 5 or 6 pictures of him, because I thought I would have more time.
He was born with a heart condition called Tetralogy of Fallot, had no full esophagus, and his muscles had atrophied. He had his very first surgery hours after being born to be able to feed, and his second and last surgery to help his heart when he was a month old. He had physical and occupational therapists working on him to get his muscles at least in a normal state. He stayed in the hospital for the first three months of his life, and when I took him home he had a heart monitor and several sets of instructions. Throughout his short life he had doctor appointments upon doctor appointments to last a lifetime. When he took his last breath, I was beyond devastated. I was only 22 with an almost 2 year old and I just had a baby that passed.
It was hard, very hard, but I got over that death and went on to have another boy, who was the spitting image of Darius for the first month of his life.
Even with all that Darius endured for nine months, that little boy had the most beautiful smile in the world, and I am sad to say I do not have a picture of it. No matter how much he hated the doctors, he always smiled at me and his older brother and made me appreciate him. He was a happy baby up until that last day. And I truly believe that for awhile there my youngest son had Darius with him to let me know it would all be ok.
So no matter how hard things are for me financially, I think about Darius and his awesome little smiles for me and the stress of this month lessens that much more. As I think of things this past year that have gone wrong, I think of Darius and I have to remember that no matter what he had a smile for me.
Thank you.
4 comments:
Beautiful post ~ from your heart and I do believe Darius is always with you, always and in all ways. Your smile is his smile ~ You are blessed with an attitude of hope ~ and writing through the pain is a gift not only for you, but for others ~ my heart is with you ~ blessings, nannette1094
You know what a sweetie I think Darius is, and the memory of his smile has got to be one of the greatest gifts he gave you. He also taught you that you're tougher than you realize, and you can get through mountains when you have to.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch but I hope things turn around for you soon and that 2010 is a blessed year for you.
Hugs,
Jenna
It's hard to lose someone so close. But it's good that you chose not to forget but to remember. Let him bring you strength and inspiration.
Really Angelic
writing through the pain is a gift not only for you, but for others ~ my heart is with you ~ blessings, nannette1094
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